we're chasing vodka with high fives
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Randomize
