I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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