Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Randomize
