If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
