I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I'm sobbing to NWA
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
