I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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