You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Randomize
