just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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