Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
how drunk are you?
Several
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
