One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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