Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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