you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"