i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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