look no pants
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
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