I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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