You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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