is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
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Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
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Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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