i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
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but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
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I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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