My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
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