I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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