I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
