I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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