I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
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