Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
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I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
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He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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