Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
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Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
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He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem