my phone needs a breathalizer
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
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I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
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And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.