Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
