I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
