Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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