ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
