The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
