cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.