So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️