You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
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LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
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i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....