At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
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I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
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Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
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