We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
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I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
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I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
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