matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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