just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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