I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
