i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
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i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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