Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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