Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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