I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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