I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
he told me I talked like a deaf person
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
My life is pants optional.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
