there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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