ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
My vagina just clenched in fear
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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