The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
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I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
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Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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