someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
