Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
You made out with two different species that night
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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