So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.