No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Randomize
