I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
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