Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
